Concerns and doubts / Adam
"My wife and I are considering attending a Tantra workshop. We are in our late 30's and are raising three children together. Our relationship is quite stable and our sex life is good and well established.
The truth is that I was the one who suggested this direction, having felt that something was missing, especially in the connection between sex and relationships and everyday life. I felt that I also need hugs with no sex – between having sex, and that we can't manage to embody our great love in everyday life.
I heard about Tantra from a friend who tried it, and told my wife about it; she said she's willing to try the workshop.
In the meantime, I started to read about it (mainly on the Internet…) and I realized that the whole thing isn’t that simple and that there are also risks involved. All the stories about charlatans, dreams of fire, monsters, snakes in the yard and losing control are a little worrying to me. We both have quite senior jobs, and obviously we can not give up a day's work because we lost control and have a monster in the yard (also, there won't be anyone to get the children ready for school and kindergarten in the morning …).
On one hand, I think that such a process can help our relationship; on the other hand, as a healthy, loving and stable couple – we have a lot to lose.
I'm also quite afraid of breaking the boundaries of our marriage and letting others in. Although we are an open couple and have even experimented with partners several times (a man, a woman, another couple), we have always been the only ones who, together, direct ourselves, including setting boundaries – and here we place ourselves in the hands of a facilitator, and that scares me.
After reading quite a bit about it, I have the feeling that there is a tool here with tremendous power, a tool that, because of charlatanism or a lack of sufficient understanding (and forgive me, all those involved in the field – I am not generalizing or talking about anyone in particular…), turns into something dangerous and problematic. We have no problem paying, but we have a problem with the fact that the facilitator to whom we entrust ourselves is doing it for payment…
There is a saying that it is better to be ignorant and acknowledge the fact, than to have only some of the facts and think you have all of them. The totality of all those involved in the field is also a bit stressful.
From here I have several questions: Can tantric tools be chosen selectively, or does it require total submission? Is it possible to combine both worlds – current and tantric? (We really do not want to throw our current – conventional – sex into the trash can). Doesn’t the fact that the business is completely commercial impact the essence of its existence? (Why should not I be afraid that the answers I will receive from the facilitator come from economic considerations?)
Is it possible to start learning from a book and doing that, reach a reasonable level of practice? Is there gradual instruction that is not in the framework of a full and intensive weekend, or a series of intensive and binding meetings?" – Adam
Answer:
Dear Adam,
The doubts that you (and your partner) are feeling in all that regards Tantra workshops are understandable, and completely natural.
As you said, Tantra is a powerful tool with which we can attain spiritual, personal, and relationship growth.
However, the path of Tantra is a tapestry that integrates many paths which, from the side, sometimes seem different and even contradictory.
There are teachers who will lead you on one path, which they know very well and believe in; others will give you tools for the road, and allow you to "navigate" your personal path according to your personal inclinations.
The question of which teacher is better – is irrelevant. The differences between the intertwined paths do not affect their real goal – personal discovery, openness to love and spiritual development.
It is the role of the student to choose a teacher who meets his current needs.
Tantra teaches us, from the beginning, to take responsibility for our decisions. The teacher is there – but it is the student who does the work. And their successes, like their failures, are their own.
The first decision we need to make – is the choice of the right teacher.
It seems that you are just at that stage, and even understand the implications of choosing the right teacher.
I have no doubt that when you finally decide in which direction to go to – It will be the right and most accurate decision for you at that moment.
For this is how the world works: All the seemingly random details, add up in the end to an incredibly accurate picture.
There are indeed "charlatans" who try to use "Tantra" for their own needs. But many of the teachers in Israel are leading a beautiful process in this area.
If you've received a first impression from a friend, you can base your own personal investigation on it. But you have no choice but to speak with the different teachers and ask them the questions that are on your mind: a good teacher will answer your questions with no hesitation, and won't make any empty promises.
During the conversation, let your intuition guide you, and trust yourself that the right answer will come to you.
Regarding payment –
I personally prefer to give something back in exchange for the things I receive in this world.
The first and most important reason for this is – that there is an energetic circle of giving and receiving.
Payment, whether with money or by other means, enables us to receive the "presents" with merit, and not out of a sense of obligation or dependency.
This isn’t just a theoretical matter – in my experience, those who "get things for free" often don’t internalize the tantric tools and their personal commitment to the process is lower.
The second reason stems from our desire to receive the best: the tantric process is gentle and powerful; this is a therapeutic process that demands a high level of skill and experience.
Just like if we, heaven forbid, need to have important surgery, we'll prefer to go to the best doctor, and even agree to pay them a nice amount of money (even if a friend recommends a doctor willing to do it for free, in their basement…) – so too, it is only fitting that we choose the best teacher available.
A teacher who respects themselves and gives their full attention to the treatment is allowed to be rewarded for their effort. From this perspective, there is no duality between spirituality and money. And Tantra teaches us that even money can be a completely spiritual entity.
Regarding the level of dedication to the process – the role of the teacher is to enable. There is a minimal level of commitment which is required in order for us to feel the "Tantric Spirit" and not just look at it as a spectator from the side.
However, the process must be natural, delicate and not forced, and the level of dedication must be adjusted according to your personal pace. In other words, submission to the process will come from you – Once you feel ready and deserving.
With regard to sex- There is no reason to give up your usual sex. Tantric practice will only enhance the experience – and over time, will turn it into something much more than "conventional sex".
There will come a day that you will notice that the way you make love is also changing – naturally, with no resistance.
Tantra is a way of "combining worlds" and the first rule in Tantra is not to rule out – that is, to say "yes".
Yes to life, yes to sex, yes to love.
Regarding your last question, about the "commercialization" of the business I'll let you answer it yourself… For there is no doubt that when you run into a completely commercial Tantric business, you will know it immediately due to the absence of "heart and soul."
Lots of love,
Sujay
Tantra Lev
